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Blog: A Childless Mother Revisits Her Loss and Pain Every Mother's Day

The English language at last count contains nearly a quarter of a million words, not including the technical, medical or scientific according to the Oxford English Dictionary, yet there is no word for a childless mother.

Certainly there are words that describe women who have never or have been unable to have a child, most of them with a negative connotation, such as spinster or barren. But there is no word for a mother who has lost a child.

A child who loses their parents is an orphan; a spouse who loses their partner is a widow or widower, but a mother or father who has lost their child? There is no such word or label for that condition. Perhaps that is as it should be.

There is no loss like that of a child. In the natural order of things, parents are not supposed to outlive their children, yet all too often that normal sequence is reversed and a parent buries a child. Now imagine the amplification of that pain when the child being laid to rest by a parent is their only child. For these former mothers, was-a-moms, mothers of angels or childless mothers, all holidays are painful and something to be simply endured.

When the holiday is Mother's Day, the pain and weight on the soul can be unbearable, in part because there is no escaping it.

Every third commercial on TV is hawking the perfect gift for mom; every store advertises the great deals being offered in honor of the day; every restaurant tells you to book your reservations now for their fabulous buffet or special menu, so you can take mom out for a meal. It is one of the two truly universal holidays -- the other being Father’s Day, of course -- because let’s face it, if you are here, you had a mother, even if you aren’t a mother yourself.

In 1918, President Wilson approved a suggestion that rather than the traditional black arm band worn by those grieving the loss of a loved one in war, women who had lost a family member would have a gilt star on their arm band for each member of their family who gave their life for the nation.

Ten years later, a group of 25 women met in Washington, D.C., and established American Gold Star Mothers Inc. as a service organization. Their initial mission was two-fold: To comfort each other, and to visit and care for wounded veterans who were hospitalized often far from home.

Now there is a word or at least a label for a mother who has lost their child in combat, and that is Gold Star Mother. It is a designation that has been imbued with great honor in accordance with the immeasurable loss these women have endured.

The Gold Star label has even been extended to the entire family of a service member lost in war and there are formally chartered groups, such as the newly formed Gold Star Dads, whose Illinois chapter was officially recognized by a unanimous resolution in Springfield on May 2of this year. There are also groups who meet, sometimes primarily via the Internet, of Gold Star Wives, Siblings and Children, but it all started with the Gold Star Mothers.

Still, there needs to be a word for the mothers who have lost their child on other than the battlefield. These mothers need and deserve a name, a label, some sort of recognition as well, even if they choose to use it only in the privacy of their heart. When a mother loses a child, the vast emptiness in her heart needs to be at least partially filled with some recognition and term of remembrance.

Frank Taylor

8:35 am on Friday, May 11, 2012

Denise - as a pastor, I want to take the time to celebrate the moms in our church. It's so important to teach our folks to honor mom, to love her, and to say thank you. That being said, I always need to keep my heart and eyes on those in the church who are childless by no choice of their own, as this day is often a painful reminder of what they don't have.

What you have done with this article is point out an area in my life, in my pastoring and in my prayers that I have forgotten to focus on, the moms who on this day are painfully reminded of what they once did have. You have changed how I will publicly pray for our moms this Sunday. Thank you!

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Denise Williams

9:50 am on Friday, May 11, 2012

Pastor Frank - I thank you for your kind words, but more importantly I thank you for thinking of those moms - and fathers too - who have lost a child. I once heard a well-meaning minister say to a grieving mother that God too, gave up His only Son. He was shocked at her response which was something along the lines of "But I'm not God, I'm only a mom and that gives me no comfort". The point is, no matter how strong her faith may be, unless and until she is ready to hear that, it does not help and often causes nothing but anger. I've learned the safest thing to say is nothing more than "I'm sorry for your loss" and until a parent starts asking "Why", giving answers to questions they are not yet asking can cause even more harm, the last thing anyone wanting to help would intentionally do. The adage that grief is a journey is apt, but it is not linear and it goes in reverse as often as it moves forward.

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Frank Taylor

12:28 pm on Saturday, May 12, 2012

I just said it this week in an email to a friend - often times those with the best intentions are those who do the most harm with their words. Pastors are not excluded from that at all... a lot of it has to do with the fact Pastors think we are supposed to have all of those answers, and be able to bring healing with our words. In fact, most of the time, we would do well to just be there, be quiet, and be ready with a shoulder to cry on, not a sermon to preach.

Concerned (NL)

12:16 pm on Friday, May 11, 2012

How sad for the mothers loss. My sister lost her baby boy when he was 9 months old, this was twenty years ago and she has never recovered her broken heart.

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Shannon Antinori

12:37 pm on Friday, May 11, 2012

Thank you so much for sharing this, Denise. I'm sure there are a lot of moms out there (too many) who know what this feels like.

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RoseMarie

11:53 pm on Saturday, May 12, 2012

I am so sorry for your loss...it is like a heart ache that never goes away... Hugs from one mom to another...

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Julie Scott Christian

7:59 pm on Saturday, July 28, 2012

I lost my son Dustin Scott Christian March 7, 2012 to a drug overdose. He was just 3 weeks short of his 18th birthday. He was my only child. I have two dogs with my boyfriend. But I love children, I love teenagers, and I love young adult. And I will never have my son to care for me in my old age.

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Denise Williams

9:53 pm on Saturday, July 28, 2012

Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. I have spoken with enough Gold Star Mothers who have said that having each other to talk to, others who fully understand their loss and the circumstances of their loss, has made the difference in their ability to cope. I encourage you to find a support group. I understand you are alone in your loss, but you do not need to be alone in your grief. There are too many others out there, but they are there, they understand, and they will help you find your steps, and be there when you stumble. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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